Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I’m just going to say it…I’ve needed to say it for weeks now.

This shit is hard.

I had three exams yesterday. I ended up calling off of work to study. Here’s the thing – I don’t call off work unless Booger is sick or I am so sick I should probably be hospitalized. I had to lie about a sickness and am now a bit nervous anticipating Karmic Retribution for said lie. I need to learn to say no to people. I need to learn that the people who don’t understand my need to say no…well they just suck and don’t realize how important this school thing is to me. Because guess what? Every single day I’m in school just know it’s what I’m meant to do. I’m good at this nursing thing. I’m kind, compassionate, and I’ve lived it. I’m struggling to stay focused at work because I need to be studying…and knowing now that this job is only temporary makes it harder.

When I get here, to this bad place in my head, my OCD really likes to come out. It manifests itself in strange little ways. I check the stove more often. I check the emergency brake in my car far too often. I get very annoyed by stupid little teeny tiny things. I sleep fitfully and have very strange dreams (I was befriended by Robert Pattinson in the last one. He was nice. It was not erotic or romantic or anything of the sort. He liked my car, we became friends. Strange.) I tend to have a pretty short fuse with R and tend to be…well, pretty damned irrational. It’s annoying and the harder I try to stop it, the worse it gets. It’s just a phase…I don’t need meds, I will be fine. But it’s annoying nonetheless.

My classes are challenging. I wish I didn’t have to work so much. I wish I could have more time in the day. I wish I could function on less sleep so I had more time to do more things. I hate admitting that maybe I could use some extra help with some things. I feel like admitting any of this makes me a failure. It doesn’t, certainly, but well….see above regarding irrational.

Sometimes I just need to say it out loud without anyone telling me it’s going to get better (I know it is), or that it’s just a rut (sure, sure), or anything other than this: you’re right…it sucks. I don’t need a fixer, I just need a sounding board. I love my family. I love my friends. I love school. I don’t hate work. I love being busy and having friends and and and and…but right now – I’d love a little peace and quiet. That’s okay, right? Please tell me that’s okay.