Thursday, January 04, 2007
Home again, naturally
Mom's coming home today! Though she's still not better. Her vision might clear on it's own whenever the hell it feels like it, or it might never clear. So, now we wait. I'm just not very good at waiting, but you probably already knew that. I'm grateful it's not life threatening, just annoying as shit and No, I will not get sucked into the spiral of what-if's. I will stay up here in the Land of Positive Thinking. Which means I have to fret secretly. Perfect. This could be good, actually.

I've always dealt with stress and angst by cleaning. I LOVE things to be clean, but I don't normally NEED them to be, you know? I'm not really talking dirt, more like clutter. The house is always clean, just messy...does that even make sense? Anyway - when I'm stressing about things I clean. And clean. And do things I do not normally do. Like make the bed. I never make the bed, just seems like wasted time when you're just going to mess it up again. The bed's been made three days straight. I've washed so many dishes, including some that weren't even dirty. The teapot, for example, hadn't been used, but was sitting on the stove, which was dirty, so therefore the teapot was dirty by osmosis. (sorry for the commas) All of my laundry has been put away. In drawers and in closets. This, too, is something I don't do. I live out of laundry baskets because I HATE putting laundry away. Hate. I think that by cleaning, I'm looking of the calm that comes with a clean/clutter free house. Since internally I am not calm, if the house is clean it is calm and maybe somehow, just somehow some of that calm will rub off on me.

So, maybe stressing right now is a good thing - at least the house will be clean.

I'm rambling and I apologize - too much caffeine, not enough sleep. Mom's okay and will *hopefully* improve daily. There is nothing I can do except hope. So I will.


Anonymous mrschili said...

You're doing everything exactly right.

You know, I never thought about it quite that way before - our need to clean when under stress. I think you've nailed it, exactly: we order our environments when our internal landscape is under seige. Brilliant! Thank you - you taught me something about myself today!

Here's the thing - you can't control what happens to your mom. I know that sucks and I know it's scary, but the best you can do is learn to live around the stuff that you can't control which - if you stop to think about it - is damned near everything. Try very hard to see the positive or the humorous in whatever you can, and deal as best as may be done with everything else. And know that you're never, ever alone.


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