Monday, July 02, 2007
Catching Up
Hi, there. Remember me?

I am incredibly sorry for the lack of updating this week (and last). I'm keeping myself so busy. It's just a defense mechanism really, because when I stop and sit still for a minute, all the bad thoughts come. I don't like dwelling on them and so far the only way to not do that is to go go go like the Energizer Bunny. I've been monopolizing my friends, keeping one even from finishing remodeling their bathroom. I'm needy, sue me. Well, don't, please - I'm unemployed. Or maybe you should, it's not like there's anything there for you to have anyway.

Our friends are remodeling-crazy and it's getting me in the mood to do some sort-of cheap things around here. In fact, we tried to swap out the screen door today, but the existing door frame is held in place with some top-secret strange ass security screws. I'm off to Sears in the morning to find a removal tool of some sort. And I'm so handy that I took a picture of the screw so that when I try to explain it to the unfortunate salesperson, I have something to show him. Otherwise, I'm sure his head will explode.

A very close friend of mine is also having health issues. Her appointment with the surgeon is 7/9. We're trying to be there for each other, our spouses and our kids (though Booger doesn't really know what's going on, her teenagers are all too well aware.) This sucks. For real. I'm trying to be positive and say all the right things, but damn it, it still sucks. And many of the people we both happen to rely on are vacationing in the Philippines mostly unaware of what's happening. What a welcome home present.

Our appointment with the cardiologist is Thursday in the morning. Yes, I called and tried to get it sooner - nothing available, stupid holiday week. The big feeling of dread that I've been carrying with me for weeks has not faded and with the new issues with my friend, it's only getting worse.

Bad things happen to good people, I understand. I also am (mostly) aware that I can't control everything, but damn. It's easier for me when I can. That way I'm the one to blame. I can't blame myself for these bad things that are happening, but I still do. Also, Health problems aren't always "bad", I suppose. But certainly they are challenges and sometimes I just don't know if I'm up for this. I will be, and when the time comes, I know I'll do the right things, say the right things, be where I'm supposed to and all that. I'm really good in situations like that. I can take control and get it done. I'm just hoping I don't fail this time.

Went to Mass this weekend and almost starting sobbing right there in the pew. Much to the horror of the friend I was with, I'm sure. Though they never mentioned it, I'm pretty sure they noticed. I pulled it together, though and did find comfort in being there. The priest talked about being called and challenged by God. Uh, yeah. That's me. But he said it's how I react to it and I need to do so with faith and (ahem) patience. I'm trying, that's gonna have to be enough for now.

So, I'm sorry I've been distant. I'm trying to avoid these depressing entries, but they make me feel better by getting them out and I'm too lazy to hand write them in a journal. Thanks for bearing with me. There's some funny stuff going on, stuff I want to tell you, but every time I sit down to write, this is the stuff that comes out.


Blogger mrschili said...

I KNOW I've said this before, but you obviously need to hear it again: this space is YOURS. Not ours - yours. You get to write whatever you want here. It can be "funny" or "depressing" or "obscene" or "meaningless" or "profound," all it HAS to be is what YOU want to write. Don't ever - EVER - stifle your creativity (or your emotional outlets) for the benefit of your blog readers. We're in it for what you want to give us. Try to remember that.

Anonymous Organic Mama said...

AND, we honor your processing of the stuff you need to talk about. Your entries of this nature sustain you and allow us to share in the hard things you are experiencing, but at the same time, it also allows us entry into your world. As your e-friends, I support you in this, particularly as it aids in your coping. Tell us the funny stuff when your head space allows it, but in the meantime, don't apologize!! Hugs to you.

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