Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I’m just going to say it…I’ve needed to say it for weeks now.

This shit is hard.

I had three exams yesterday. I ended up calling off of work to study. Here’s the thing – I don’t call off work unless Booger is sick or I am so sick I should probably be hospitalized. I had to lie about a sickness and am now a bit nervous anticipating Karmic Retribution for said lie. I need to learn to say no to people. I need to learn that the people who don’t understand my need to say no…well they just suck and don’t realize how important this school thing is to me. Because guess what? Every single day I’m in school just know it’s what I’m meant to do. I’m good at this nursing thing. I’m kind, compassionate, and I’ve lived it. I’m struggling to stay focused at work because I need to be studying…and knowing now that this job is only temporary makes it harder.

When I get here, to this bad place in my head, my OCD really likes to come out. It manifests itself in strange little ways. I check the stove more often. I check the emergency brake in my car far too often. I get very annoyed by stupid little teeny tiny things. I sleep fitfully and have very strange dreams (I was befriended by Robert Pattinson in the last one. He was nice. It was not erotic or romantic or anything of the sort. He liked my car, we became friends. Strange.) I tend to have a pretty short fuse with R and tend to be…well, pretty damned irrational. It’s annoying and the harder I try to stop it, the worse it gets. It’s just a phase…I don’t need meds, I will be fine. But it’s annoying nonetheless.

My classes are challenging. I wish I didn’t have to work so much. I wish I could have more time in the day. I wish I could function on less sleep so I had more time to do more things. I hate admitting that maybe I could use some extra help with some things. I feel like admitting any of this makes me a failure. It doesn’t, certainly, but well….see above regarding irrational.

Sometimes I just need to say it out loud without anyone telling me it’s going to get better (I know it is), or that it’s just a rut (sure, sure), or anything other than this: you’re right…it sucks. I don’t need a fixer, I just need a sounding board. I love my family. I love my friends. I love school. I don’t hate work. I love being busy and having friends and and and and…but right now – I’d love a little peace and quiet. That’s okay, right? Please tell me that’s okay.



Blogger Mrs. Chili said...

Oh, Sweetie. This is SO okay. If we didn't vent, we'd explode, and that's no good for ANYONE.

It IS hard. I remember (oh, how well I remember) feeling like I was NEVER going to get on top of the pile (remember that scene in the garbage mashers on the detention level of the Death Star, when the walls start closing in, and Han Solo keeps yelling "GET ON TOP OF IT!!"? Yeah... that). The truth is that, more than once, I felt TOTALLY unworthy; completely out of place and unequal to the task.

You know what? I was wrong. I COULD do it - I just had to KEEP doing it. You know that saying, "when you're going through hell, keep going"? Yeah... that. NONE of this is bigger than you. You just have to remember that it's a marathon, not a sprint. Find your pace, mark your miles, and rely on your friends and loved ones on the sidelines handing you Gatoraid when you need it (I've got the blue kind!).

Blogger Kizz said...

At least you know it's irrational. That's a step, right?

It'll be OK. Totally OK. 'Cause you are good at this.

Blogger Wenderina said...

Hey - thanks for commenting on my blog. Good to know I'm not alone...sometimes it feels pretty lonely here on my soapbox judging all the rest of the little people. I related to your last three posts..and love to hear someone else besides me has reached the end of their tether. I can't promise my grammar to be perfect, but hope you'll keep stopping by...and maybe post on your own place more than once a month!

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