Hard.

I’m just going to say it…I’ve needed to say it for weeks now.

This shit is hard.

I had three exams yesterday. I ended up calling off of work to study. Here’s the thing – I don’t call off work unless Booger is sick or I am so sick I should probably be hospitalized. I had to lie about a sickness and am now a bit nervous anticipating Karmic Retribution for said lie. I need to learn to say no to people. I need to learn that the people who don’t understand my need to say no…well they just suck and don’t realize how important this school thing is to me. Because guess what? Every single day I’m in school just know it’s what I’m meant to do. I’m good at this nursing thing. I’m kind, compassionate, and I’ve lived it. I’m struggling to stay focused at work because I need to be studying…and knowing now that this job is only temporary makes it harder.

When I get here, to this bad place in my head, my OCD really likes to come out. It manifests itself in strange little ways. I check the stove more often. I check the emergency brake in my car far too often. I get very annoyed by stupid little teeny tiny things. I sleep fitfully and have very strange dreams (I was befriended by Robert Pattinson in the last one. He was nice. It was not erotic or romantic or anything of the sort. He liked my car, we became friends. Strange.) I tend to have a pretty short fuse with R and tend to be…well, pretty damned irrational. It’s annoying and the harder I try to stop it, the worse it gets. It’s just a phase…I don’t need meds, I will be fine. But it’s annoying nonetheless.

My classes are challenging. I wish I didn’t have to work so much. I wish I could have more time in the day. I wish I could function on less sleep so I had more time to do more things. I hate admitting that maybe I could use some extra help with some things. I feel like admitting any of this makes me a failure. It doesn’t, certainly, but well….see above regarding irrational.

Sometimes I just need to say it out loud without anyone telling me it’s going to get better (I know it is), or that it’s just a rut (sure, sure), or anything other than this: you’re right…it sucks. I don’t need a fixer, I just need a sounding board. I love my family. I love my friends. I love school. I don’t hate work. I love being busy and having friends and and and and…but right now – I’d love a little peace and quiet. That’s okay, right? Please tell me that’s okay.

College tales and and update

This post is directed toward Chili and O'Mama. I have to take a Comp II class for my major. I decided I could do this class online. I don't have trouble forming sentences and know the difference between a noun and a verb. If we're being honest, I thought it would be an easy A. Sadly, this class sucks. We have to work on 2 different collaborative assignments. Yes, that's right. An online class with collaborative work. Maybe I'm just out of the loop, but this completely pisses me off. Why should my grade be directly tied to someone else's work? The group members live all over the area, one as far as 90 minutes away, so it's not like we can get together for coffee and work on the project. Grr. What's the point of collaborative work, especially for an online class?

An update about the choking incident. I spoke to Booger's teacher yesterday. She let me know that the other child was "sent home with red," meaning his parents were notified of the incident. We had a lengthy conversation about many things and I am pleased she is Booger's teacher. Booger and I talked about the boy in question and how to remove yourself from situations you don't wish to be in. For example, boy chases girl. Girl does not wish to be chased. Girl then stands still. It's hard to chase someone who's not running! :-)

Thanks for your kind words....they helped calm my nerves more than you might realize.

It's been a good week

Hey there! How've you been? I have missed you terribly. I'll be catching up on reading, so watch for comments that are probably too old to be relevant to whatever you had going on. Except this: Kizz, did you email him yet?

I'm still waiting for one official grade, but I'm confident enough (mostly) to talk about it. I swear on all that is Holy that I do not mean to cross the Karma Gods.....but I've seen the grade on paper, just need to see in on the computer....please...post it soon. Amen.

Okay, so. Finals. Let me start by saying I had an A locked up in Psych barring some catastrophic final grade. Each of my classes had about a 50 point allowance before you'd get a B. Going into the Psych final, I was only down 7 points for the semester. Yes, I know. Nerd. The final was 100 questions, each worth 2 points. 100 multiple choice questions takes much longer to answer than you might think. It was open book, and as is my history with open book exams, it was hard. I missed only 5, so that's 10 points. So, in Psych - I nailed an A by a large margin. I shall only brag briefly, but believe me friends, there will be bragging. It is selfish, I know, but I have worked HARD for these grades, so yes.....there will be bragging. I might brag all weekend in fact. I'm sure you all guessed I'd get an A in Psych....crazy knows crazy!

Anatomy & Physiology was another story. I had a bad week in A&P a few weeks ago and scored horribly on an exam in both lab and lecture. This put me way too close to a B going into finals. We had both a lab and lecture final. Our lecture professor really enjoyed our class and agreed to meet for a last-ditch study effort the night before the final. This helped me so much that I, uh, aced the lecture final. Yes, 100%! Can you effing believe it? I still can't. It makes me smile just thinking of it. The professor had a key up front so we could take a quick look to see how we did since many of us were heading straight into our lab final. Looking at the key is how I know I scored a hundred....this is the official score I'm waiting for. Anyway, that really helped calm me down heading into the lab final because I knew I had about 15 points to give in that final and still pull out an A.

The A&P lab final is known as the bone test. It sucks ass. Basically, we learn all the bones in the body and the parts of said bones. 200+bones and terms. Also, we learn them out of context...off the skeleton if you will. We enter the room with a piece of paper numbered 1-40 and work our way around the stations writing down what each is. It could be the whole bone - Humerus. It could be a feature of the bone - Anatomical neck of Humerus. You need to know it and the whole wording as it is in our text. There is no word bank, no multiple choice. Just you, the bone, and a blank piece of paper. It's totally mental and totally designed to be that way. Let's not fool ourselves, it's a weed-out class. It's the first science class you take for any of the science/health fields and if you can't cut this one, there's no use trying something more advanced.

I was a nervous wreck entering that room. I didn't think I could pull the names out of thin air. I knew them....or at least most of them....but was not at all confident that I could do it without a word bank. We entered the room and were told to pick a spot. I found one I knew so that I could start off positively. As we moved around the room, I realized that I really did know them! Holy crap, I was doing it!!! I only missed 4 out of 40!!!! I was so proud of myself I didn't stop smiling the whole day!

I got accepted into the RN program at my school, so I won't have to transfer! I have to submit a re-eval request in the fall for an earlier admission date, but holy hell, just to get accepted is a huge step in the right direction!

Oh, and today? I got a job!

Holy hell, it's been a good week! I'll be catching up on your blogs now....hope you all had a good week as well.

Cramming

well, not so much cramming as reviewing. First final is in 8.5 hours. Next one is about 4 hours after that, then my last one is Sunday evening. I'm looking forward to completing this semester. It was a big step towards the rest of my life.

I'll be back in a couple days once I can think of something other than finals.....I miss you guys!

Finally

I have my last class before finals tonight. I can't believe this semester is over! I succeed in ways I simply didn't realize I could. I am going into finals with potential A's in both classes, though I'm much too close to a B in Anatomy & Physiology than I'd like approaching the final. Good Karmic thoughts, please.

I just finished my last Psych paper and it's a reflection of last week's race. I'm still tweaking it, but wanted to post something before I left. I have to go to my parents house to shower because the hot water tank is broken. I'm a wimp and can't do a cold shower. Anyway, here's the paper...they are short by rule, not by my choice.

My mother used to tell me that I wasn’t happy unless I had something to worry about. I worry about things I can control and many things that I can’t. Often times the worry generated with things I can not control causes more anxiety than worrying about things I can. It’s a slippery slope of stress and anxiety and often ends up with me a nervous wreck over something I simply can not do anything about.

This past weekend I worried my way through one of the most stressful and anxiety producing events of my life. It was the culmination of months of worrying. My husband, barely nine months after undergoing open heart surgery, teamed up with a friend to run a marathon. Each of them would run half of it, 13.1 miles. He had trained for this race for months and all along, I have worried. I worried about the weather, worried about the distance, worried about his heart, worried about awful things like funerals and living as a widow. I worried about everything and anything associated with the race. The doctors told him he could do it, but because I didn’t feel like he should do it, I was completely overwhelmed with anxiety in a way I have rarely been. This race was more stressful for me than watching him recover from surgery. The only thing I’ve ever experienced that was more stressful was waiting during surgery itself. After surgery there were things I could do, things to keep me busy, things to make me feel like I was helping. Worrying about this race was futile, I knew he was going to run it whether I wanted him to or not, but I could not stop worrying.

On race day I experienced many of the physiological symptoms associated with stress and anxiety: muscle tension, headache, heart pounding. The feeling of panic associated with my inability to control anything related to this race was overwhelming. Once he started his half of the race, I was at such a heightened state that I could barely breathe. Then, he rounded the corner and we saw each other. He was running at a comfortable pace and had this huge smile on his face, he was actually enjoying himself! He told me he felt good and promised to take it easy the rest of the way. This race was not about how long it took, but just crossing the finish line. My friend, my daughter, and I drove up every few miles and stopped to wait for him and cheer like crazy. Every single time we saw him, he looked better, in spite of the 27 degree weather, rain/sleet/snow mix, and 25 mph winds. Consequently, I felt less and less anxious. At the finish line, our smiles could have lit up the city.

Stress, anxiety, and worrying have been a part of my life for a very long time. I know that my worrying about this race did nothing to help R, in fact, it likely hindered him as he had to worry about my worrying. I suppose that being aware of that is at least a good place to start trying to worry less.

Studying Snob

Seriously. I need to study. I have THREE exams this weekend. 2 of the 3 are the last exam before finals. I've ordered pizza, have a stash of Diet Coke and R & Booger are out for the evening.

I'm looking for some good study tunes.....any suggestions?

For Chili

Chili's been waxing poetic about students who are unhappy with their failing grades. She's copied emails so we can poke fun of and roll our eyes at the sheer lack of grammar skills. We're shallow, so what.

Do you remember the guy I told you about in my Psych class who said he failed a test because his lecture notes printed in the wrong order? This guy emailed THE WHOLE CLASS instead of the professor with the reason he could not attend class this evening. Now, I'd like to preface this by saying that I am in no way making fun of having a sick family member and I'm so aware of the potential Karmic Retributions that I almost didn't post this at all. That said, here's the email. Word for word, spacing just as it was on the email.

This message is regarding a family member on life support at the [redacted name of medical institution].Iknow we have a quiz on chapters 17&18 and Ihave to turn in my reflection paper.I do not want miss class but these are tough times for me and my family. I am willing to do any amount of extra credit or whatever you seem that I should do.

Seriously? Wow, just....wow.

Ten Things Almost Wednesday

Hiya! How's it going? I bombed my Psych quiz Sunday. No, really. Spring Break threw me all off my rhythm and here it's Easter this weekend so no school again. Crap. I need to get my groove back! (Call Stella) (anyone get that joke? anyone? Bueller??) We have the wonderful opportunity to throw out the lowest quiz score and that's just what I'm planning to do. According to the email from the Professor, we'll also have the opportunity to take the quizzes home, look up the answers we missed - write a few sentences for each answer and potentially get 1/2 of the missed points back. (Holy run on sentence, Batman!) I'm going to do that....more for the study part of it than the points since I plan to throw it out....but it's a buffer in case I blow another one. In honor of blowing the quiz, I'm going to tell you ten things about my Psych Class.

1. We meet once a week on Sunday evenings.

2. The girl who sits next to me came in 2 weeks ago with a brace on her hand. She told me about how she was in a car accident and broke her hand. 15 minutes later, the brace was off, her laptop was open and she was reading MySpace and instant messaging on AIM with some buddies. Psych notes no where to be found.

3. During class on week 6, a student asked how many classes she had missed so far. (They take attendance and we accumulate points for showing up and participating.) She had missed three out of six. The same student asked the professor why she couldn't take the test she missed the week before.

4. I'm not the oldest student in the class. But I'm pretty sure I'm the second oldest.

5. My professor drives a red Shelby Mustang Cobra. It's hot.

6. I have yet to score a 100% on one of my papers. I disagree with his grammatical changes on the last one I got back. He deducted 1 point for "minor errors." I don't think they are errors. I'm considering posting it here so you all can tell me who's right. I doubt I'll need that one point later, but you never know. Good thing I know a couple English professors!

7. One student said - out loud and in front of the whole class - that he failed one of the quizzes because the powerpoint slides he printed were out of numerical order, so he studied them that way and THAT IS WHY HE FAILED.

8. There's the one student who has to top everyone else's comment. Oh, caffeine is addictive? Well, I can drink it and it has no affect on me. Oh, you stayed up for 29 hours, I stayed up for 4 DAYS SO THERE. This goes on all night every night we have class. So fun.

9. I like the one student who shimmies her hips, bats her eyelashes and flings her hair and will keep doing it until one of the guys in the class notices. Please tell me I was never that obnoxious. I know I had my moments, but seriously. She's ridiculous.

10. This class makes me consider researching a career in Psychology. I sure wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up.

Motivation

This week in Psych, we discussed motivation. This is my paper on the topic (rough draft.) Tell me, what motivates you?

Motivation. It propels us through the day. It can help a man with no legs walk, a deaf man compose beautiful music, a 35 year old woman go back to college. It's something that is usually so obvious, but when you ask someone to tell you a definition, they can't. Introduction to Psychology defines motivation as such: "Motivation refers to the various physiological and psychological factors that cause us to act in a specific way at a particular time." What that definition doesn't reflect is how a person's motivation changes throughout their life. We use motivation before we understand the word or its definition. As we grow and mature, our motivation changes. Personally, my motivation has changed too many times to count.

As a child, I was motivated by praise. The praise of my Dad, in particular would make me feel as though I were ten feet tall. My dad isn't very physical with his affection. I always knew he adored me, but he never actually said it. He never yelled, never got too excited, he was just a mild tempered man. When I could manage some sort of outward sign of his approval, it was nothing short of awesome. That need for his approval and affection never really went away, other motivators simply showed up to push and shove their way to the top.

In my early teens, my motivation started to lean toward earning tangible rewards. If I completed chores around the house, I was rewarded with things like teen magazines, music (cassettes!), video games, and clothes. My mother always reminded me that I had to earn these things, they were not simply given to me. Because I was too young to get a job, I worked around the house. Cleaning, doing laundry, mowing the grass, washing the dishes. To this day, washing dishes is my least favorite household chore.

Once I passed my driver’s test, getting my own car became my motivation. I worked at the mall and saved all the money I could. I tried to convince my Dad to sell me his 1972 Chevy Corvette Stingray, but he wouldn’t budge. He sold it simply so that I knew, for sure, I had no shot of ever even driving that car! The lingering motivation of having that car is still with me, especially considering he sold it and bought me a 1977 Chevy Caprice Classic with no muffler. Seriously, I was hoping for a chariot and ended up with a tank.

As an 18 year old college student, sadly, I was not motivated to succeed academically. I was motivated by things like making friends, partying with those friends, and making the most of being “on my own.” I pushed the people away who would remind me that perhaps I was not choosing a successful path. I took academics for granted and assumed I would succeed as I had in High School, attend class and succeed; no extra work required. College was more challenging, but I was not prepared for it and withdrew with such a feeling of failure.

As an adult, I am motivated by several things. They include, of course, the ones you would expect: health, money, and happiness. Thrown in there for me, though, are things like self respect, trustworthiness, excelling as a wife, mother, and friend.

Many people look back on their lives with regret and feelings of “what if.” Fortunately I do not have many regrets in my life. The single one I do have is soon to be remedied. I am back in college and will get my degree. This time will be different, the motivation is there. Finally.

quick update

I somehow managed A's on both tests this weekend. I swear to you I don't know how. I guess it proves how much showing up to each class, paying attention, and participating help along with studying after. Hell, on my psych test, there was a 3 point bonus question and I only was able to answer 1/3 of it. Then I wrote this: flu all week, way off my game! Maybe he gave me the points for that! I scored 29/30! WOOT! A&P I only missed one as well. This info alone helps me feel better!

I'm trying to get into the honors program at local small university. I mean, if I'm going to do this, I might as well do this right.

Proof of dedication

I am missing a chance to see the Senator from Illinois speak at Local University because it runs into the time I have class this evening. It's KILLING me not to go. But, when I decided to take classes, I decided that once and for all, they would take priority. Not over my family, but over everything else.

That said, dear Senator from Illinois, would you please promise to come back soon? Pretty please? For me?

Um, help.

I'm studying for Anatomy & Physiology. This chapter (quiz tomorrow) is mainly organic chemistry and such. So, yeah. Big fun. Due to the nature of the subject, it is mainly strict memorization, which I struggle with as a whole. All of our quizzes and exams are multiple choice which help me because, if you don't mind my saying so, I have mad deductive reasoning skills. MAD SKILLS, YO.
Okay, so misery loves company. This is the word and definition I'm working on right this very second.

ESTERS: Similar to carboxylic acids, except that the H of the OH is replaced with a carbon group. They have a carbon with a double bond to oxygen and a single bond to a different oxygen which is bonded to another carbon.

Yeah. That's what I said, too. Since it is multiple choice, I'm hoping memorizing this as "the one with the long ass definition" will suffice.

So goes Ohio

So goes the nation. Isn't that what they say? Our primary is approaching. Senator Clinton is in town today and Senator Obama will be here Sunday. Senator McCain was here yesterday...just in time to scramble for a location to do a press conference to deny those allegations about the lobbyist. I can't help but note the locations they are going to be/have been and compare that to their campaigns. Mr. McCain was at a local restaurant for a "town hall meeting." Mrs. Clinton will be at a local high school, while Mr. Obama will be at the local university indoor stadium. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I'm still fighting this flu, fever of 103.4 yesterday. That was fun. A bit better today, though. I have some studying to do for a couple quizzes this weekend. Anyone have any tips about memorizing carbohydrates, lipids, amino acids and the like?

Procrastination

I knew I had my first Anatomy & Physiology Lab exam tomorrow. Since we had the lecture exam last week and I didn't fail it, I figured I would be okay. Thought I would review the lab reports we've done so far and go to bed. Then and only then did I remember that FUCK I haven't even finished the lab reports. They are all due tomorrow. Whoops.

So, yeah. I'll be up for a bit.

I'm studying, finishing lab reports, and sending good thoughts to my buddy, Kizz, who's likely on stage right now in Brooklyn.

Update

"In my house, anyone who uses one word when they could have used ten just isn't trying hard."
~Martin Sheen as President Bartlet on The West Wing.

I have to write 5 two page papers for my psych class throughout the semester. We can turn these papers in anytime and I turned my first one in last week. I didn't really know what to expect from it. The directions are vague - 1 to 2 page reflection paper about something we talked or read about the previous week. No research, sources, etc. Simply critical thinking and applying something we learned in class to real life. I don't really do vague. Don't get me wrong, I can spew 2 pages on anything (which is probably why I like the above quote so much!) I turned in the paper and received a grade of 19 out of 20. I'm thrilled with that, though disappointed that I didn't get 20. God, I'm such a perfectionist. I realized, though, that I can NOT proof read my own stuff. I forgot how much I suck at it. I can proof the hell out of someone else's. But when I proof my own, I just don't see the mistakes, I read it as it should be, not as it is. I'm sure this isn't uncommon. Anyway, since R read it and missed a few things, I am tempted to just post the next one here and ask to have it edited. You game? I know you are!

Remember the first Psych quiz I was so worked up about? Well, we've already had another one....I'm doing really well in that class and have aced both quizzes! I have high B in Anatomy, but my exam in the lab this week should help bring that up. I am surprized how much I'm enjoying myself. I studied for about 5 hours on Sunday and so far I love it. I'm sure I'll be stressing out at some point, but for now, I'm doing pretty well.

School's going okay, thanks. My first quiz is this weekend and I'm already terrified. I know the info and have time set aside to study.

I'm still struggling a bit with the new schedule, with figuring how best to study. I have such high hopes and I'll get it. I'm just getting used to the new routine.

I cleaned the house today, well, some of it anyway. That always makes me feel better.

I have a paper to write this week, so I'm going to get some notes started on it....I'll check back.

I'm keeping my senior citizen college student tag....it makes me laugh.

Tales of a 35 year old Freshman

I survived my first weekend of classes! I certainly wasn't home much: Saturday class from 8-3, then work from 5:30-9:30. Sunday work from 12:30-4:30, then class from 6:30-9:50. 3 classes total and I think I'll really enjoy all of them. Saturday morning was Anatomy & Physiology lecture followed by the A&P Lab. Sunday night's my Psych class. I refrained from asking the professor if he could help me to not check the stove 6 times before I go to bed. Maybe later on in the semester....

I was not the oldest student in any of the classes, which was a huge relief. My Psych class requires quite a bit of reading and 5 two-page papers, along with a longer yet-to-be-determined research paper. A&P has reading as well, but not as much.

One of my biggest regrets is blowing my college opportunity after high school. I was a smart kid in high school. Naturally smart, though. Never really studied for anything. I went to class, took notes, re-read them once or twice and managed the honor roll. I never pushed for more. I was content to just show up and succeed. When I went off to college, a pretty large state college, I got in over my head pretty quickly. I had no study skills and with no one but myself to answer to, well....I simply decided to have fun. I did not succeed in college and left, tail between my legs a year or so later, with a mere 9 credits toward graduation.

I've always wanted to go back and finish. For myself. For my parents. Now for R and Booger. I need to do this. I AM doing this. I am so damn excited that I can't stop smiling.

I'm a living commercial

Student ID no charge
Parking Pass $20.00
Tuition $915.00
Textbooks $454.97
Assorted supplies $12.00
The feeling of finally getting on with getting a college degree: PRICELESS

I can't tell you how excited I am to start school. I can tell you that it is simply a travesty that textbooks cost more than half as much as tuition. MORE THAN HALF. What a ripoff. I begin class this week. Anatomy & Physiology (and lab) Saturday 8:00A.M. - 2:50 P.M. General Psychology Sunday 6:30 P.M. - 9:50 P.M.

I have an appointment in a few weeks to see if I can get some cash from the county for education as I am considered a "displaced worker." Basically, the office of unemployment has grant money that I may qualify for to educate me in a different field since I haven't found work comparable to the job I lost last May. I am just happy there might be money out there for me. You know? I have to speak to the financial aid office on campus, but the line was too long today. Generally, I wouldn't qualify for federal aid as my 2007 income will show my job up until May, then my severance and my unemployment. Sadly, that's all run out....so I need some "special circumstance" form or something. Whatever, please just help me pay!!!

This fresh start is exactly what I need. I feel better already. Of course that could be the steroid injection I received at the doctor's office this morning. I've been experiencing some strange leg pain that may or may not be related to a back/nerve/voodoo doll issue. Whatever. With the steroid injection, I would imagine I could get a job on a baseball team, so there's another option!

I haven't said much about R and Life, v. 2.0 lately. He's pretty much healed and running regularly on the treadmill - outside if it's tolerable. His blood pressure is still a bit high, so they've been playing with dosages on the buffet of meds he takes. His pain comes and goes. He tells me that he can feel the nerves reconnecting or something in his chest. Like little shocks every now and then. He has some numbness near his adam's apple region, but that's kind of it. He is embarrassed by his scars, but I think they are sexy. And believe me, whenever I have a rough day, I can glance at his scars and remember that guess what? THOSE were bad days. This current day that I'm in? Suddenly not so bad.

I feel like I'm coming out of my fog. I think I just needed a good kick in the ass. A birthday, a new year, and a fresh start in college seem to be just that kick.

I hope you are all well. How are your resolutions coming? I'm working on my official list. Haven't finalized it just yet.