update

I am good in a crisis. Always have been. When someone needs something, anything, I’m typically in their top five list of people to call. Maybe even the tippy top. Because if you need something, I’m your gal. I’m a clear thinker, I can take charge without being bitchy, and I flat out can get things done. I don’t take time to think about anything else other that what needs to be done right this second. I’m so good at it. I can help with your wedding, your funeral, your in-laws (not my own, but whatever), your pet, anything.

Maybe this is why the Universe keeps challenging me. Because I keep succeeding in my tasks. Dear Universe, (and I say this with the utmost respect) screw you. You and I are friends and friends are allowed to get mad at each other, yet still love each other. So back off and give me a fucking break for five minutes. There, I feel so much better.

Roy had the liver biopsy on the 10th or the 11th. Bleeding was a potential side effect, but he didn’t really have any the day of, you know, while we were at the hospital. Instead, his liver decided to bleed 8 days later all of a sudden for no apparent reason. I was on my way to class when he called. 20 minutes from home and he was in so much pain he couldn’t take a deep breath, was almost crying, and was in too much pain to drive himself to the hospital. I turned around, quickly texting my classmate to tell my instructor and sped home. We arrived at the hospital and he was in so much pain, it was just….oozing off of him. His blood pressure was through the roof. We were swept into an exam room and met, almost immediately by a doctor. We explained our recent (and not-so-recent) medical history and a CT scan was ordered to confirm bleeding. A big dose of Morp**ine helped take the edge off and so we waited.

My in-laws showed up (calling them was the right thing to do, but I would have preferred not to, truth be told). They make me crazy because they are NOT good in a crisis.

Anyway, we were told there was, in fact, bleeding in the liver and we would need to meet with a surgeon. (!!!) One that I am familiar with from my clinicals met with us and showed me the CT from the bleeding and the original one from the biopsy to confirm it was in the same place and related. No surgery needed, just bedrest, pain control and lots of lab work needed.

We got to go home the next night and he’s okay now, so far. We're watching the absorbtion of the blood and he has to take it really easy for a bit. More lab work today and more to tell you about our stay, but I wanted to touch base to let you know we’re all well. Not 100% maybe, but well

Will you join us?

I'm putting what little anonymity this site has aside to post this. Thanks for reading and supporting us. (I have more posts...lots to catch up with you about....but wanted to do this while it was fresh in my mind.)I'll be checking once posted to make sure the linky link works :-) Hope you are all well!

Dear Friends,

You all know the American Heart Association is very important to me. This year we are creating our own team (last year R walked with his cardiac rehab group) in an effort to encourage our family and friends to walk with us. The AHA has supported the research that made Roy's heart valve replacement possible. As many of you know, Roy's new valve will not last forever...it's research that we rely on to give us more and better options in the future.

We would love for you to join us as we walk for the AHA on Saturday, May 16 at the University of Toledo. We will be also accepting donations up until that date. Any amount of donation is happily accepted. Could you forego a soda with lunch and donate that dollar to our cause? All those single dollars add up and make a very big difference.

Thank you very much for being a part of our lives. We couldn't have made it through his recovery without you. Roy and I are better people because of those surrounding us.

Thanks,
Amy, Roy, and Anna

Official stuff below:

Join us as we walk for the American Heart Association!

Unfortunately, too many of us have a loved one affected by heart disease or stroke. As the leading cause of death in this country, cardiovascular disease claims almost as many lives each year as the next 7 leading causes of death combined. To help stop this, I am creating a team of walkers to help me raise funds for the American Heart Association and I'm asking you to join me.

Our team will be participating in this year's Start! Heart Walk by walking and by raising funds that are needed for heart disease and stroke research and education. To join my team, click on the link below and you will be taken to my web page. On my web page, click My Team Page and Join our Team to register online! You can use the online fund-raising tool to email your friends, family and colleagues to ask them to support our team and our cause! The more people we have working to defeat heart disease and stroke-the better, so please join me today!

Follow This Link to visit my personal web page and help me in my efforts to support American Heart Association - Toledo, OH

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http://heartwalk.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=283931&u=283931-246993704&e=2239134358
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The Journey - post op

With all the Marathon talk around here, I've been thinking more about the surgery and how I really just need to suck it up and write it down. It has been cathartic, but also a memoir of the event. Things like this are important. It's important for me to get it somewhere other than inside my head and I think it's important for Mr. Snob to hear my version, just as it is for me to hear his. Someday, Booger will be old enough to really understand how rough that time was for us. She remembers, but not really, you know?

So. I think I left off after seeing him in the cardiac recovery room. He was still sleeping, on a ventilator, naked as a jailbird and covered in iodine. I left at approximately 8:30 with instructions to call around 1:30 - he should be off the ventilator by then. My mom dropped me off (everyone decided I shouldn't drive) and I took a shower immediately. The next few days I remember showering the second I got home, that way I would always be ready to leave at a moment's notice. Showered and somewhat rejuvenated, I fed the Wonderdog and tried to watch TV. After a few minutes, I realized I really should try to sleep, I set my alarm for 1:30 and fell asleep. It was a fitful sleep and I awoke every few minutes (at least it felt like I did.) I checked my phone every time I awoke, terrified I missed a call. At 1:30, I called the nurse's station and talked to his nurse. He was still sleeping, still on the ventilator. She explained that due to the extra time required in surgery...you know....because his heart wouldn't beat....they had to use more anesthesia than expected and it just takes a little more time. She assured me this was all normal and his vital signs were excellent. I could call back at 3:30 and check on him if I'd like. She was so nice as I explained I would really like to call back then, but didn't want to bother her, or take time that she didn't have. She was so kind...told me I could call as often as I wanted to, but there would likely be no change for at least 2 hours. I hung up and cried. This was just so hard and I was emotionally exhausted. I was so tired from putting on a strong face for everyone else, when I felt so defeated. The times I was alone were the worst, for sure. I did sleep some more and woke up in time to call at 3:30.

When she answered my call at 3:30, she said he was awake!!! Still on the ventilator, but he was responsive and they just had to go through some formalities in order to remove the vent. Things like following directions (move your toes, squeeze my hand....that sort of thing). She said he had been cleaned up and they would be removing the breathing machine soon. If I called back at 5:30, she should have excellent news by then. Well, I was so happy to hear that he was waking up, I couldn't sleep. I turned the TV on and watched some news, I sorted some clothes for the week and put them all in one location in case someone had to come home for me, I could tell them exactly where to find something. The phone rang at 5:15 and my heart dropped. I answered and it was the nurse saying he was off the ventilator and the very first thing he said was "Please call my wife, I'm sure she's worried." Does he know me or what?!

There are very strict visiting hours in the Cardiac Recovery Room and I wasn't allowed to go until 10:30. I slept, I cleaned, I snuggled with Wonderdog. And I watched the clock.

I arrived at the hospital, meeting my in-laws in the lobby. We were allowed in a few at a time. I stayed and everyone else took turns. I stepped out so his parents could come in together, but otherwise I was there. Visiting hours were only 30 minutes. I wasn't leaving! Mr. Snob....14 hours post op was sitting up in a chair! He wasn't happy about it, though. :-) His sister, a nurse, came in and we talked clinical for a bit with the nurses. He was doing well, except he wasn't handling the pain meds. This became a theme of his recovery. He was up in the chair, but couldn't speak really well because of the ventilator. He said later he appreciated the way I seemed to anticipate his needs and read his gestures so he didn't have to speak.

The next visiting hour wasn't until 6:30 - this is pure torture for the family, by the way. I certainly understand the medical need for it, but holy crap. Luckily they called me about 3:30 and said he would be moving up to a room - where I could stay all day - shortly. I rushed to the hospital and met him just as he was arriving in the room. Our pre-admission request for a private room was granted and we moved on in.

Speechless

http://www.runphotos.com/

search bib 7066

No, that's not me in many of those photos...that's our new friend K, also a first time marathoner, who ran the entire race with Mr. Snob. They met as part of the pace group to finish in 6:30. Mr. Snob's official time: 6:15:13. I'm trying to put my thoughts into words.

Race day was amazing. I can't even put it into words! Also amazing was Tuesday when Mr. Snob went to visit Dr. M to show off his medal. Dr. M, you'll remember, was our surgeon, and he was THRILLED to see Mr. Snob and they were both overwhelmed with excitement. I can't talk about it any more because I will cry again :-) Pride, elation, overwhelming relief. Thank you for helping me on Sunday. Your texts, energy, pin-wearing, and emails kept me afloat and I'm eternally blessed to have you all in my life.

The Race

The marathon is in six days. Mr. Snob is ready. The hotel room is booked. The sitter for Wonderdog confirmed. I’m trying to be ready. I have a list of things I need to bring (camera, video camera, cash, extra whatevers just in case….that sort of thing.) I am going to really try to enjoy myself. I’m terrified, though, and many people in my daily life are doing a poor job of understanding that. Some of them are pretty much saying I’m being silly or whatever with my worry. I don’t think they mean to be so condescending, but that’s how it feels. It makes me feel like I’m the only one who remembers. Race day will be 15 months to the day since they opened his chest with a chainsaw, cut open his heart, and replaced his aortic valve. Pardon me for remembering that day. Pardon me for remembering how I thought it would have hurt less if they would have cut me open instead of him. Pardon me for not wanting to risk that again. I get it. He’s healthier than ever. He’s ready. He’s been released from every single doctor we have. He’s trained…slow and steady….and done everything right.

Still. It’s hard for me. That may make me the bad guy. That may make me selfish. But that’s just too effing bad. I’m so proud of him. What he’s doing is amazing and a true inspiration. But as his wife, this sucks and I’ll feel so much better when it’s over.

You can track Mr. Snob on race day, this Sunday, October 19 at www.detroitmarathon.com I won’t have his bib number until Saturday and might not have access to the internet, but you can search by name. If any of you are in Detroit and have suggestions on how to occupy approximately 6 hours of my time, any thoughts are appreciated. I am likely going to be a nervous wreck the whole day. Text messages will be welcome distractions!

The Journey

This is what we've been up to. The race is approaching. School is taking a whole lot of time I don't have and I'm sort of curled up in a ball in the corner rocking trying to find a little bit of sanity. I'm struggling a bit right now, but the race is approaching and I'm focusing on helping Mr. Snob any way I can....

Go here, please. Read our story. The next chapter of The Journey should be coming in a few days.

Ten Things

End of summer edition. Here are ten things I did this summer.

1. Successfully completed really difficult class.

2. Vacationed on the West Coast. It was beyond lovely.

3. Bought a new car. Well, the bank owns it, but you know what I mean.

4. Cut my daughter's hair at her request. It was a pretty drastic cut and I did a decent job.

5. Cheered Booger on as she raced in her first non-school race. .6 miles in under 5 minutes!

6. Spent a ton of time with my nieces and was reminded of how much I adore them.

7. Tried to teach my 6 year old how to ride a bike without training wheels. Not likely to happen this year, but maybe.

8. Celebrated the 1st anniversary of The Journey. I have a post I'm working on for this. Stay tuned.

9. Stepped away from the internet for awhile and enjoyed extra time with Booger. She is amazing and I love nothing more than sitting on the couch together reading books.

10. Realized that this sacrifice I'm making now by attending college is SO worth it. There are times when I'm frustrated that there aren't more hours in the day, or that I don't have as much patience as I should...but it is worth it. I am finally moving toward something that is so important and it simply makes me feel good.

How was your summer?

How do you measure a year?

As one of my favorite showtunes tells us, there are five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes in a year.

On Saturday, R reached the one year anniversary of his surgery and together we reached the anniversary of a whole new outlook on life. This has been the longest year of my life and I think it's aged me at least 10. I've tried to write this entry since Friday, or longer, really, but each time I do......well, I just can't. R mentioned that on Saturday, he re-read some of The Journey posts and thanked me again for keeping track of those first few weeks. I was afraid I would forget them, trying to write every detail. Funny thing is those memories are as crystal clear to me now as they were then. I am glad the memories are clear, as I still have the rest of my story to tell. It's coming, in case you'd still like to hear it. I think I haven't even finished telling you about the hospital stay, or the nurse I got in trouble because she was more concerned about reading her Harry Potter book then caring for her patients. But this post isn't about that.

This post is about those five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes. We've lived them...really lived them this year. We've rediscovered what it means to be happy. Our family comes first. The end. That's a rule I know I didn't always live by. I always felt defined not soley by my family, but by a career, too. What a load of crap. I like to think that this year didn't really change who we were, it simply sloughed away all the stuff that was clinging on and let us be more of who we really were, you know?

Thank you, my friends, for sticking with me this year, it's been a helluva ride. Make the most of all your minutes, okay?

Ten Things Tuesday

Sunday will be the 1 year anniversary of losing my job. So many things have happened in this year. I learned quite a bit about myself and the people in my life. For today's list, I think I'd like to talk about the people who helped me get through this year. Now, please....there's only room for 10, so if I've left you out, it's only because I ran out of space, not because I don't love you.

1. R - of course. He's my everything.
2. Ness - we live 2 hours apart, but I talk to her usually twice a day. She knows me like few do and knows all of my quirks, even the ones I don't admit to having.
3. J - my buddy who moved halfway across the world a couple weeks ago to attend med school. Our friendship is an unlikely one, yet, it is there and a great source of happiness in my life.
4. J - the other one. He sat with me during R's surgery and simply radiated the calm that I so desperately needed. He is quiet most of the time, but possesses a wicked sense of humor and makes me laugh every single time we speak.
5. D - he ran the half marathon with Roy because I asked him to. Just that simple. Because I asked him to. He's the guy you call when you can't call anyone else. He has such an aura of positive energy that he practically lights up the room when he enters it.
6. M - oh, M. She and I have become very close. She's the wife of the #4 J and I simply can't imagine how we've not been friends our whole lives because it sure feels like it.
7. My e-buddies - these wonderful, powerful women have encouraged me to write, to tell my story, to share my sense of humor. We exchange powerful energy....the kind you need to live....and yet, they've never seen my face. I care about these women and they care about me and that is something I don't take for granted.
8. My nieces and pseudo nieces - there are 7 of them and they bring such light to my life. As they grow older and become more independent, I'm continually astounded with the level of trust they have with me. I'm thankful that I can be a source of advice for them and, in turn, they always always make me smile.
9. Booger - without this spirited 6 year old, my life would simply be black and white and all kinds of dull. She brings the color into it and I swear to make sure she knows it every single day.
10. Me - this may sound shallow and self -absorbed, but I promise you it is not meant to be. I surprised myself this year. I have much more control over my life than I once thought. I also learned this year if I want to make something happen, I have the power to do it. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am a fierce and loyal friend. I am a mother. A wife. A daughter. I am a success and damn it feels really good to be able to say that and actually believe it!

R's story

The morning news anchor for the station R works at ran the marathon last week! She rocked it and qualified for the Boston Marathon. She is a really sweet girl and I am very appreciative of her taking the time to share our story. I understand this takes away my anonymity, but I think it's worth it to share this.

Take a look: http://www.wnwo.com/news/news_blog_post.aspx?id=123939

The journey

I was looking through the entries for The Journey and realized I stopped way before I thought I did. I have many entries I thought I posted. Whoops. They are here somewhere, so I'll be posting them soon....I have stories about the hospital, our room, the linen cart, the cafeteria and much more. Stay tuned. :-)

Navigation tips

I could be receiving visitors to this little place of mine. If you're looking for the story of R's surgery and recovery....just look at the bottom of this entry and click on The Journey tab.

Thanks for visiting and I'd love it if you'd leave a comment!

Finally

I have my last class before finals tonight. I can't believe this semester is over! I succeed in ways I simply didn't realize I could. I am going into finals with potential A's in both classes, though I'm much too close to a B in Anatomy & Physiology than I'd like approaching the final. Good Karmic thoughts, please.

I just finished my last Psych paper and it's a reflection of last week's race. I'm still tweaking it, but wanted to post something before I left. I have to go to my parents house to shower because the hot water tank is broken. I'm a wimp and can't do a cold shower. Anyway, here's the paper...they are short by rule, not by my choice.

My mother used to tell me that I wasn’t happy unless I had something to worry about. I worry about things I can control and many things that I can’t. Often times the worry generated with things I can not control causes more anxiety than worrying about things I can. It’s a slippery slope of stress and anxiety and often ends up with me a nervous wreck over something I simply can not do anything about.

This past weekend I worried my way through one of the most stressful and anxiety producing events of my life. It was the culmination of months of worrying. My husband, barely nine months after undergoing open heart surgery, teamed up with a friend to run a marathon. Each of them would run half of it, 13.1 miles. He had trained for this race for months and all along, I have worried. I worried about the weather, worried about the distance, worried about his heart, worried about awful things like funerals and living as a widow. I worried about everything and anything associated with the race. The doctors told him he could do it, but because I didn’t feel like he should do it, I was completely overwhelmed with anxiety in a way I have rarely been. This race was more stressful for me than watching him recover from surgery. The only thing I’ve ever experienced that was more stressful was waiting during surgery itself. After surgery there were things I could do, things to keep me busy, things to make me feel like I was helping. Worrying about this race was futile, I knew he was going to run it whether I wanted him to or not, but I could not stop worrying.

On race day I experienced many of the physiological symptoms associated with stress and anxiety: muscle tension, headache, heart pounding. The feeling of panic associated with my inability to control anything related to this race was overwhelming. Once he started his half of the race, I was at such a heightened state that I could barely breathe. Then, he rounded the corner and we saw each other. He was running at a comfortable pace and had this huge smile on his face, he was actually enjoying himself! He told me he felt good and promised to take it easy the rest of the way. This race was not about how long it took, but just crossing the finish line. My friend, my daughter, and I drove up every few miles and stopped to wait for him and cheer like crazy. Every single time we saw him, he looked better, in spite of the 27 degree weather, rain/sleet/snow mix, and 25 mph winds. Consequently, I felt less and less anxious. At the finish line, our smiles could have lit up the city.

Stress, anxiety, and worrying have been a part of my life for a very long time. I know that my worrying about this race did nothing to help R, in fact, it likely hindered him as he had to worry about my worrying. I suppose that being aware of that is at least a good place to start trying to worry less.

My husband is a rockstar

The race was yesterday. Our friend D ran half and R ran half. 13.1 miles each. They ROCKED it. I'm so overwhelmed with the emotion of the day that I'm having trouble getting my thoughts down.

It was 37 degrees outside with sleet, snow, rain and 25mph winds.

Pictures here. I'll have more to say soon, I promise. It was all so emotional. Such a rush to watch him do this. 13 miles. Amazing.

Ten things

Since my last ten things list was a downer, I will try to make this one a bit more full of sunshine. Here are ten things making me happy this week.

1. I received a 17 out of 15 on my Psych quiz.

2. Booger's grade card. She doesn't receive letter grades, but has shown steady improvement in things like working independently and time management. Time management is something we've been working on at home. Giving her a set amount of time to complete a task or a set amount of TV time. When she knows the ending time, there is often much less complaining. It's also helping us work on telling time on an analog clock.

3. Ally the Wonderdog has been extra snuggly this week. She usually sleeps at my feet on the bed, but last night she snuggled right up next to me.

4. The sun is out.

5. I was able to catch a HS track meet and watch my niece run several races during the meet. It was great to see her excelling at something she really enjoys.

6. 2 of my best friends are coming to visit Chez Snob this weekend!

7. They are coming because one of them is running Sunday with R.

8. The marathon is this weekend. R and our buddy D are teaming up, each running half. This is a nice compromise as I am still in a bit of a panic about the race....but it's a good distance to see how well he does. He has been training regularly and his weekly EKG hookups at Cardiac Rehab look good. All of the doctors we know and have seen gave him the green light.

9. My Psych professor has a sense of humor and I'm enjoying the unwritten/unspoken challenge about my last paper. We have 5 one to two page papers due during the semester. Twenty available points and I've received 19/20 on the first 4. I'm writing my final one this week and am gunning for the 20.

10. I'm working on a going away gift for my friend who's leaving for Med School. I'm considering a short story or some sort of listy thing about my favorite memories of our friendship. Any other suggestions?

Time is a funny thing. It's been almost 8 months since R's surgery. It seems like yesterday and it seems like years ago. Our daily lives haven't exactly changed much. I think we appreciate the monotony of day to day life more; no, I know we do. Here's the thing...and this is going to be really hard for me to write because I know he'll read it. I sometimes think he has forgotten.

Not completely forgotten, because hello - impossible. Just sort of forgotten. I've mentioned before that he wants to run a marathon, right? (Wayfarer, I'm going to put the two of you in touch). Well, I simply don't want him to. I feel like a little kid who wants to stomp up and down and whine and wave my hands in the air shouting I DON'T WANT YOU TO! R has an appointment with his cardiologist tomorrow for a follow up. I'm not going. It's the first appointment since before his surgery that I'm not joining him. There are a couple of reasons why. I have to work, but could get out of it. I think I'm trying to step away from a situation in which I could quite possibly have my little tantrum about not wanting him to do the stupid marathon. I'll look like a fool, I'll embarrass R and myself and it just would not be good. I told him before that if the cardiologist approved it, I would stop bitching about it. I'm not sure I can stand by that, but that's what I said.

I'm all for R being active. Play tennis, run for fun. Run in a few lower-mileage races, like 10K or something. But please, for Pete's sake, don't run a marathon. Please. I'm begging you. Yes, millions of people run them every year and live. People who are worse off than you. But people die, too. And don't give me that sorry ass story about how you could die walking out of the house. I get it. But it's not the same. It's not. It's not the same when you watch them wheel your husband down the hall on a stretcher and you're not sure if it's the last time you'll ever see him. It's not the same when you see him covered in iodine, lying on a gurney, with a machine breathing for him. It's not the same when you see, every day; the long vertical line on his chest where just a few months before, a man had his hands inside there coaxing his heart to start beating again. It's not the same and no one will ever convince me that it is.

I can't help but feel like if he chooses to run this god damned marathon, he's choosing that over me. And that's selfish and horrible, but it's true. I absolutely hate myself for not being able to support him on this. But I just can't.

Tell me I'm being irrational. But, please, also, tell me you understand. Because I sort of feel like I'm just a selfish brat.

I'm a living commercial

Student ID no charge
Parking Pass $20.00
Tuition $915.00
Textbooks $454.97
Assorted supplies $12.00
The feeling of finally getting on with getting a college degree: PRICELESS

I can't tell you how excited I am to start school. I can tell you that it is simply a travesty that textbooks cost more than half as much as tuition. MORE THAN HALF. What a ripoff. I begin class this week. Anatomy & Physiology (and lab) Saturday 8:00A.M. - 2:50 P.M. General Psychology Sunday 6:30 P.M. - 9:50 P.M.

I have an appointment in a few weeks to see if I can get some cash from the county for education as I am considered a "displaced worker." Basically, the office of unemployment has grant money that I may qualify for to educate me in a different field since I haven't found work comparable to the job I lost last May. I am just happy there might be money out there for me. You know? I have to speak to the financial aid office on campus, but the line was too long today. Generally, I wouldn't qualify for federal aid as my 2007 income will show my job up until May, then my severance and my unemployment. Sadly, that's all run out....so I need some "special circumstance" form or something. Whatever, please just help me pay!!!

This fresh start is exactly what I need. I feel better already. Of course that could be the steroid injection I received at the doctor's office this morning. I've been experiencing some strange leg pain that may or may not be related to a back/nerve/voodoo doll issue. Whatever. With the steroid injection, I would imagine I could get a job on a baseball team, so there's another option!

I haven't said much about R and Life, v. 2.0 lately. He's pretty much healed and running regularly on the treadmill - outside if it's tolerable. His blood pressure is still a bit high, so they've been playing with dosages on the buffet of meds he takes. His pain comes and goes. He tells me that he can feel the nerves reconnecting or something in his chest. Like little shocks every now and then. He has some numbness near his adam's apple region, but that's kind of it. He is embarrassed by his scars, but I think they are sexy. And believe me, whenever I have a rough day, I can glance at his scars and remember that guess what? THOSE were bad days. This current day that I'm in? Suddenly not so bad.

I feel like I'm coming out of my fog. I think I just needed a good kick in the ass. A birthday, a new year, and a fresh start in college seem to be just that kick.

I hope you are all well. How are your resolutions coming? I'm working on my official list. Haven't finalized it just yet.

Christmas cards

I'm still designing my Christmas cards. I'm making them instead of buying. The one problem is the working on the inside. None of my stamp sets have decent inside wording. They are all simply "happy holidays" or "have a merry Christmas."

This year, especially, I wanted to do something a little more personal. I am really not a fan of the Christmas letter, it just seems arrogant to me. But this year, of all years, needed something more. We survived this year. We are stronger and better and much more aware of how incredibly lucky we are to have this life together.

I pre-printed blank cards on the computer and will be designing/decorating the fronts. The inside will say this:

This year, we celebrate the peace and joy of Christmas with extra gratitude for those we hold dear. We look ahead with renewed faith and hope. Have a wonderfully Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Love, The Snob Family

(Act surprised when you receive it)

Lots to tell you about, friends. This weekend we celebrated Booger's sixth birthday. I'm still recovering from a weekend full of go go go but can't wait to tell you about it. I used to laugh when people complained about time flying. But, holy crap. She's 6!

Thankful

I received my last unemployment check today. (Well, direct deposit. Whatever.) 6 months ago I lost my job and sincerely was at a loss. At 34 years old, I already had 12 years of tenure at Big Large Company. I lost my job because of an office consolidation and 2 positions were combined into one and the other person had more tenure. It's the fair way to do it and I was okay with that. I wasn't okay with not having a job for the first time since I turned 16. After my last day, I just really didn't know what I was going to do. As most of you know, it was less than 3 weeks after that day we were told R would need open heart surgery to replace his crappy aortic valve. Isn't it funny how the universe takes care of you? I was able to be next to him for his entire recovery. I never had to worry about working, trying to balance work and home, nothing. I could focus 100% of my energy on him and Booger. I never would have been able to manage everything had I been working.

Thanksgiving was always about gathering and eating before. This year, I am starting a tradition of thankfulness. I have so much to be thankful for. I am going to write a short note or card or something to those I will see on Thanksgiving (and perhaps send some out in the mail or over the Internet for those I will not see.) I will tell them that I am thankful for them and tell them why. I am truly thankful for so many things.

I'm going to use this week's Ten Things Tuesday to list some things that I am thankful for.

1. R. These last few months have been the best and worst of our lives. And still, there's no one I would rather have gone through it with. Our life, Version 2.0 is better than ever and I love you more every single day.

2. Booger. She's hilariously funny, smart, and kind. Pretty good for an almost-6 year old.

3. Dr. M. He literally held R's heart in his hands. His knowledge and training gave R a new life, but it was the respectful and caring way he treated us that made him so special. He was a pillar of strength when I truly needed it. He never made me feel insignificant, often taking extra time to make sure I was okay after seeing R.

4. My home. It's not the Taj Mahal, but is a safe and loving environment.

5. My sense of humor. I don't think I would have made it through the last 4 months without it. Had I not been able to laugh, I would certainly still be crying.

6. My friends. Many of whom I see less than I'd like. Some of whom I've never even met in person. They continue to allow me to cry on their shoulder if I need to. To curse at them like a sailor, though they've done nothing wrong. To yell and scream about how unfair life is. They take it all in and know if I'm just venting or need help finding a solution.

7. Those friends and family who stayed with me at the hospital, especially on Surgery Day. There simply are not words. I learned how to lean on others that day. Both figuratively and literally. Thank you.

8. My family and in-law family. Our family tree does not look like most others, but we make it work better than most families I know.

9. My nieces and pseudo nieces. You make me feel young and cool, even though I am neither!

10. Ally the Wonderdog. She calms me simply by lying at my feet.

The Journey - update

I don't think I told you that we had a follow up appointment with the cardiologist on the 22nd. We are 3 months post op now. The great news is that R was given a "full release." It truly is great news. And while I am so happy I can't see straight, I'm also scared out of my mind. I simply don't understand how in 3 months you go from needing help to sit up to a full release with no restrictions. It's hard for me to let go. I know that I can't keep him in a bubble forever, but it's so scary.

Before we found out his surgery was imminent, he was training for a marathon. I was so proud of him for doing it and was encouraging him every step of the way. But now, I am having such a hard time being encouraging. He wants to start training again. I want him to live. I mean, I know it's not that drastic, I do. But damn it, it's hard. I know I can walk outside and get hit by a truck. But running a marathon for a cardiac patient is so......fuck. It's so wonderful and I am such a schmuck for not wanting him to do it. I'm getting better and promise to try to keep my freakness to myself.

I think I've figured out a way to work through this. I think the only way I'm going to be okay with him running a marathon is to actually run with him. Holy shit. I guess it's time to get my butt back into exercise and work up to running, then, hopefully, by spring, be in a position to start training. Wow. Now that I've said that out loud (you know what I mean) I can't take it back. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.