A day in the life

This morning, while Booger was at the table eating her bowl of Trix, the worst sound I've ever heard emanated from the bathroom just down the hall. A very angry, feral, gurgling sound. Peeking into the bathroom, the sight before me is still one that I simply can not believe. The toilet looked like a fountain....water bubbling and spraying, almost as tall as me....all over the damn place.

I had one of those Matrix moments....I just stared at the toilet and I swear to you everything went into super slow motion, every water droplet discernible, each new geyser of water bigger than the last. I didn't know what to do. Wasn't sure if I should turn the water off, stuff a towel in the toilet or what - there was water everywhere. I knew the city water guys were outside fiddling with something in the street, so I ran out there yelling and flailing my arms all over the place.

Now, I'm a conversationalist. I love the art and artistry of conversation. This moment, however, all conversation skills were lost. I will now re-enact that conversation for you. You're welcome.

Snob: (running, arms flailing) "What are you doing?? There's water!"
City Guy: "Huh?"
Snob: "Water!!! Everywhere!!! The toilet is gurgling, and spraying water! What are you DOING??!!!"
City Guy: (shouts to other City Guy 50 feet away at the truck) "Get me some green paint."
Snob: *blank stare, arms - possibly still flailing*
City Guy: "We're cleaning the drains, you said there's water?"
Snob: "Uh, YEAH. Water, fountains of water...coming out of my toilet."
City Guy: "Sorry about that. We must have had the pressure up too high. I'll mark this area with green paint for "low pressure" so they know not to turn it up so high."
Snob: *more blank staring*
City Guy: "There's water on your floor?"
Snob: "Yes, from the fountains of water. Yes. Water. On the floor. Lots of water."
City Guy: "Sorry about that. I'll put green paint here."
Snob: "So, uh, you're done, right? With the water?"
City Guy: "Yes, you're all set."
Snob: "Uh, okay then."

And with that I walked back across the street, sopped up the water and have sort of been confused ever since. It was a very strange morning.

Still here

My apologies for not posting in.....well....too long. I'm struggling a bit with unemployment. I'm happy to start something new, I am. But, well, I just don't really know what to do with myself. I'm keeping myself overly busy and monopolizing my friends. I'm making them go to lunch with me, come and hang out, go to movies, anything to distract me from the fact that I'm not working. Getting paid, yes, but not working. This should be a DREAM COME TRUE. But in reality - not so much.

I am getting better. And I have a few stories to tell. Thanks (Chili) so much for your concern. It means so much to me.

Hey, I went to the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End premiere last night. Holy wow. I loved it. I can tell you more, but don't want to ruin it for you. The trailer for new new Die Hard movie was so good. I can't wait. July 4, baby!

I'm heading out of town for a couple days....I'll be back with a vengeance, I promise :-)

Ten things - umemployment edition

I'm adapting to the life of unemployment far better than I thought. Though I'm not sure 2 days is a good base to gauge it on.

Here's 10 things I have done since my last day.

1. Vacuumed every day, sometimes twice.

2. Pinched my hand in the bi-fold closet door and have a beautiful, 2 inch blood blister.

3. Rearranged Booger's bedroom in anticipation of buying her a new bed.

4. Wondered why my work cell phone wasn't ringing so much, then remembered I don't have it!

5. Dropped a TV tray on my shin, causing a raging bruise.

6. Purchased Shakespeare In Love on DVD (I previously owned it on VHS)...watched it for the eleven hundredth time and still cried at the end.

7. Grabbed a few bargain books at Borders and have a stack of "to be read" books I can't wait to delve into.

8. Took a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day yesterday.

9. Cleaned, dusted, mopped the entire downstairs. Most of the upstairs is done, too.

10. Oh, yeah....dyed my hair. PINK!!! It's only temporary color, so I've no idea how long it will last. But it sure is fun.

Happy Mother's Day

The sign I bought mom reads:

All that I am, or ever hope to be, I owe to my mother.

That pretty much sums it up for me. And one day, I hope and pray that it sums it up for Booger, too.

Happy Mother's Day!
Love,
Grammar Snob

Battle of the headlines

I am in love with my new vacuum cleaner. And its wonderful clear dirt-catcher and its lift off center and its way long enough to do the whole downstairs cord. I have used it every day since I bought it. There are so many things wrong with that, but I just can't stop. I love it so much that I can't decide on a headline for the post.

I can't quit you.

You SUCK!

Sucks to be you!

Nice hose.

In the bedroom, or in the office?

You light up my life.

There are more, sure....but just as cheesy :-)

I'll be unemployed in about 20 minutes. It feels good. Somehow.

Ten Things

Here are ten things that either I did, or that happened to me during the last seven days.

1. Bought the cuticle cream recommended by Chili. Will begin slathering cuticles this evening.

2. Attended a college graduation ceremony. Secretly thought, "Hell, I could write a better speech than that."

3. Went out for sushi and it rocked. Had to lie perfectly still in bed for 90 minutes after becoming nauseous and thinking I had food poisoning. (I think it was just stress)

4. Dropped a TV tray on my shin. Cursed. Loudly. In front of Booger.

5. Considered cutting my hair and dying it pink with blonde streaks to celebrate my almost-unemployed status. Didn't, but still might.

6. Marveled that my pedicure is in tact 2 weeks later. It goes well with the cracked and bleeding callous on my left heel.

7. Visited my friend, V and her son, O. Had a wonderful time, but still cried when it was time to go.

8. While shopping with V & O, saw Ace from American Idol (last season, maybe?), who was singing there. Realized how pathetic the 50 year old women were - standing in line to meet him wearing American Idol t-shirts.

9. Bought a new vacuum cleaner. Freakishly vacuuming and examining the dog hair and dirt coming out of the carpet. This is both horrifying and fantastic.

10. Received a letter from the IRS stating I've allegedly botched my 2005 return and would I kindly send them three grand. No, I kindly will not. I will research my return and figure out what to do. But in the meantime, there will be crying and gnashing of teeth.

Hope your week was calmer than mine. Work ends Friday. Friday can not come soon enough.

All I want is pretty nails

I'm addicted to my cuticle nipper. There I said it. I have (temporarily) stopped biting my nails. (and the crowd cheers!) In a futile attempt to make my hands pretty, I'm slathering on cuticle oil and buffing and nipping and strengthening several times a day. Yes, I am fully aware this is probably too much, but look!!! I have nails. Well, a few. Which brings me to my first issue - why in the hell can't they all grow at the same pace? Who wants 4 beautiful nails and 6 stubby ones? I mean, really. That's just wrong. Another bitching point is that my nails are not the pretty white, french manicurey that I would like. They are sort of transparent and this is annoying to me. If I'm going to go through all this trouble of trying to stop biting my nails, then everyone should see how pretty they are without me shoving my hands in there face. SEE!!! LOOK...PRETTY NAILS!

I have been biting my nails since, well, since ever. And I would do it without realizing it and they were gross and ugly and would hurt and bleed. See, gross. I never even realized I was doing it. Hell, there is a picture in my High School yearbook...there I am in the background biting my nails. It seems pretty clear to me now why I was not seeing any action back in those days. What with the perm (I know, I KNOW) and the nail biting. Hot piece of ass, for sure! Not.

So, I will continue my attempt at pretty nails, natural style. Should last until after next week when I go into freak "clean everything in the house because you are an unemployed schmuck" mode. Which, at least that should offer some good blogging fodder. Maybe we'll do a live-blogging clean out the closet post. With pictures!

Free the chickens!

I have a tendency to completely overlook things in my everyday life. Years and years go by and I don't think twice about something. Whatever brands I'm used to is what I grab, regardless of if they're on sale. I realize I waste money by doing this, but I am and have always been a brand name whore. I probably always will be.

Sometimes, though, something will strike me and change everything.

I'm now only buying cage-free chicken eggs. This is good. Chickens should be cage free. I don't like cages and would not imagine the chickens do, either. They lead a pretty boring life. Eat some corn, drink some water, run around with the cock, shoot eggs out their hoo ha. Pretty boring. Except the cock part, because, really, that's usually anything but boring. AND I just got to say cock in context three sentences in a row! The thing is, (please forgive me O'Mama) I am not sure I ever really thought twice about chickens or their cages or their boring little lives ever before. Then, a few weeks ago, at the grocery store, I reached for eggs and saw the cage free option. Huh?! You mean these cheap eggs over here....those chicken live in cages? That's not very nice. Do they get to have exercise time, or are they stuck in the cage all the time? That would really suck. Poor chickens. I'll just grab these cage free eggs...and look, these over here are even organic. There. Settled. Now, I'm all about the cute brown cage free organic chicken eggs. I can't tell you how much more they cost and don't really care. The chickens!!! They need freedom!!!

Ten Things

Well, look. Once again I've blown a week without telling you what's going on. And there's been alot to share, too. Sorry about the lack of updating. My last day of work is approaching (May 11) and I'm alternating between pure bliss and achy achy pitiful. But! The end is near!! And I shall learn to relax. Or something.

Anyway, my mother-in-laws 70-th birthday party was fantastic. Since it's Ten Things Day, I'll break it down list-style. I'm cool like that. (and clearly have had too much caffeine)

1. First, I took the shoes back. THE shoes. You remember them from last week, don't you? Well, 3 hours of salary just didn't justify them, so they were returned. I wore another cute pair that I had for about an hour then put on my cute flip flops. I wore too-long pants, so no one even noticed.

2. My pedicure on Thursday was cool, but lucky for me Walgreens had a close to matching shade of polish since you know I wasn't able to even get home without screwing up THREE toes. (Holy run on sentence.) Sheesh, pedicure guy, next time, just pour the polish straight out of the bottle, it was on that thick! Also, the color name I found at Walgreens? Vixen. Rawr. :-)

3. My outfit was okay...but my hair was a disaster. No one else thought so, but why do I insist on doing something drastic like straightening (partially) my hair for a big event? Straightened it 3 separate times that day and still it curled up and frizzed all to hell by the end of the night.

4. My mother-in-law seemed to enjoy the evening. She changed her wardrobe THREE TIMES. I am not kidding.

5. I had too much to drink. Not too too much, but more than I wished I had. Didn't embarrass myself or anything, but looking at some of the pictures, you can see it in my face.

6. Speaking of pictures, once again, we're all dressed up, both my AND Mr. Snob's family in attendance and not one fucking family picture. We are ridiculous.

7. More picture speak - I need to start walking again. Sheesh. Yuck. How is it that you think you look good, then see a picture and....uh, not so much.

8. Mr. Snob's personality shines at these events and it is always a joy to watch him have so much fun.

9. The food was fantastic. Not that I got to eat more than 2 bites of it. Had I, the alcohol intake would have been okay.

10. The brunch the next day though? OMG, so good I'm still thinking about it!

So, overall, a great weekend. Exhausting, but great. This month is all about exhausting. We have something planned for the following dates:
May 4, 5, 6, 7, 11, 12, 13, 18, 19, 20, 22, 26, 27. Whew! Good thing I won't be working!!!